How getting your nails done can be a little yellow flag

Trish has gotten her nails done by Serena twice before. They hit it off as friends during their time together, and exchanged phone numbers. They've texted a few times casually. Trish schedules her third appointment with Serena, and Serena immediately notices that Trish had her nails done elsewhere between their last appointment.

"Wait, what's this set?" Serena asks. Trish was flustered, sensing irritation in Serena's tone. She had gotten her nails done at a different salon because it was cheaper, closer, and just made sense at the time. "Oh, I was in a rush, and had to stop in somewhere quick," she said, trying to come up with something that would make Serena feel better. She honestly hadn't thought anything of it, she didn't know it would upset Serena.

"Oh, all good, I guess." Serena seemed a bit irritated but it faded quickly. They got back to chatting and had a great time after that. As she left, Serena joked, "Don't bring someone else's bad set back here next time!" Trish and Serena both laughed.

As she drove home, Trish felt weird about the interaction. It happened quickly, and passed quickly. Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe it was normal for a nail care provider to be offended to see that she had gone somewhere else. Trish even considered texting Serena an apology. But then she felt a little irritated - was she not allowed to get her nails done anywhere else while she was friends with Serena?

What is the yellow flag?

Serena reacted negatively to Trish getting her nails done somewhere else. They don't have a long history together, or a close friendship, so to expect loyalty this early on could be considered strange. It could signal that Serena is overly sensitive to rejection.

Yellow flags are behaviors that can have innocent explanations. Maybe Serena was joking, and Trish didn't have the context to realize that. Maybe Serena intentionally makes these comments to try and keep her clients coming back to her as a marketing tactic. Maybe Serena had an unusually frustrating morning, and said something impulsive she normally wouldn't have.

What the yellow flag could be hiding

Sensitivity to rejection is a main trait of borderline personality disorder, or BPD. People with BPD are very sensitive to any action that could be interpreted as abandonment. The red flag version of this interaction would be to have an extremely emotional reaction to Trish's nails, potentially act cold or angry towards her, or refuse to do her nails since she had gone elsewhere.

How Trish can respond to the yellow flag

Trish really likes Serena's nail service, and doesn't want to just avoid her over something so small. However, she also isn't someone who's super organized about her nails, and likes flexibility to get them done where ever and whenever she likes.

A good reaction to this flag is "live and accept." This is different from "wait and see," which implies watching or testing. Live and accept means Trish should continue to live her life exactly as she prefers, and not modify her behavior for Serena. She doesn't need to text an apology, or avoid other nail salons. She should continue to organize her nail care as she did before, and trust that this yellow flag will either fade or escalate.

If there's a red flag lurking under the yellow flag, it could raise it's head in the following ways:

• Serena will cut off the friendship over this. This is where "accept" comes in - if someone wants to end a friendship over behavior you don't wish to change, that's their prerogative.

• Serena will begin to show other signs of BPD, like wanting an intense, loyal friendship very quickly, having large mood swings, and outbursts of anger. Since friendships with people with BPD tend to be intense and short-lived, Trish can make a decision at that point to separate or distance herself.