How texting outside the group chat can be a little yellow flag

Jessica meets her friend Louise at a bar. Louise brings a coworker she befriended recently: Steve. They all hang out at the bar together, have too many drinks, and have a great time. Louise starts a group message between the three of them to chat. The group immediately begins sharing funny images and videos. However, Steve begins sending things only to Jessica instead of the group chat. Jessica can't help but notice that the things he sends her are a just a tiny bit edgier and racier than what the group is posting in the chat.

What is the yellow flag?

Steve is increasing the potential intimacy of his relationship with Jennifer by establishing a private space. This is done in a low-risk way since Steve could claim, if asked, that he meant to send the content to the group and accidentally sent it to just Jennifer. Jennifer also thinks she notices that he's sending her edgier content, potentially testing for her response.

But, Jessica thinks the videos Steve is sending her are hilarious. She's enjoying the content he's sending. She's not sure of his intentions, and doesn't want to do or say anything rude that would end the potential for a friendship or relationship. She feels like it's a bit soon and weird, but maybe he's just socially awkward, or maybe she had too many drinks to realize how close they all got. She also wonders if maybe it's her who is weird for reading so much into this.

Yellow flags are behaviors that can have innocent explanations. Maybe Steve sent the content to only Jessica on accident, intending to send it to the group. Maybe Steve is romantically interested in Jessica and flirting by sharing his sense of humor with a goal to get to know her better. Nothing that Steve did could be considered explicitly bad behavior.  But think: if you had just met someone, why would you start messaging them outside of the group chat? Would you do this without a reason?

Another yellow flag aspect of this behavior is how it's making Jessica feel. Jessica is questioning herself and her judgement. She's unsure if Steve's being weird, or maybe she's being weird for thinking he's weird. Unfortunately, it's common for unhealthy people to cause others to feel this way. Jessica should look at other friendships and relationships in her life: do others cause her to feel this confusion and mistrust of her judgement? Do other nights out where everyone indulges in drinks result in these kinds of situations? If Steve is uniquely causing her to question herself, it could be a yellow flag.

What the yellow flag could be hiding

Steve could be testing Jessica for her willingness to pursue a separate friendship or relationship with him. If so, this would be an effort to establish a close relationship unusually quickly. Steve is a new friend of Louise's, and has met Jessica only once. To seek a close relationship quickly with someone this new and distant is a common trait of borderline personality disorder. People with this personality disorder have a consistent history of intense relationships that begin quickly and don't last long, along with many other traits that are detrimental establishing a healthy relationship.

How Jessica can respond to the yellow flag

Jessica should organize a casual group hang out with Steve, Louise, and a couple more people. If Steve is simply getting to know Jessica, he should be friendly and excited to meet more people and spend time with her. Since this is their second time hanging out, Steve should be neither clinging to Jessica, nor ignoring her. This also gives Jessica more time to decide if she's interested in Steve, and how she wants to act in their text messages.

Things that would turn the yellow flag into an orange flag:

• Steve tries to convert the proposed group hang situation into being a one-on-one hang out with just Jessica.

• Steve acts sullen and distant while in the larger group setting, with the hope of drawing her attention.

• Steve announces some unusually difficult news to the group: for example, that his dog passed away last night. Again, the goal is attention.

• Steve tries to exert inappropriate control over the group hang. For example, he rejects the proposed location because "the bartender is an asshole" and tries to get the group to go to a bar he likes.