How asking you to order scallops can be a little yellow flag

Dana meets Tom at a fancy Italian restaurant for a first date. Dana is excited and nervous because Tom seems very kind, smart, and attractive - Dana is hopeful this could be her last first date.

As they look at the menu, Tom says, "The best dish here is the scallops, you have to get them. I just ate scallops last night so I'm going to take a break and get pasta. But you should absolutely get the scallops." Dana grimaces and says "I actually don't like seafood." Feeling bad, she follows it with a self-deprecating comment, "I know, I have a kid's palette."

"Oh," Tom smiles, "that's ok, scallops actually don't taste like seafood or fish at all! They taste buttery." He pauses, and they maintain eye contact. Dana isn't sure what to do. She's pretty confident that she won't like scallops. But she doesn't want to seem unadventurous. She says she'll try them, and she orders the scallops. To her surprise, Tom was right - they didn't taste like seafood, and she didn't hate them. She enjoyed the dish until the last few bites, when the texture started to get to her. But she walked away thinking she'd order scallops again, and was grateful for the opportunity to try something new.

What is the yellow flag?

Tom created a pressured situation by gently rejecting Dana's preferences. He didn't tell her explicitly to order them anyway, but the pause after rejecting her excuse implied that he expected her to order them. There were lower stakes options available to Tom that he didn't chose: for example, he could have ordered the scallops himself and let Dana try one if she wanted to.

Yellow flags are behaviors that can have innocent explanations. Maybe Tom is just really passionate about scallops specifically. Also, Dana liked the scallops, which makes her want to ignore how ordering them made her feel uncomfortable. But think: if you recommended a dish to someone, and they said they didn't like that food, how would you respond? Would you say they should order it anyway?

What the yellow flag could be hiding

Eating is a mundane activity we do every day. However, it's a highly personal activity: you're choosing when, what, and how to ingest food in a way that's going to serve your body. It's so personal that it's not really anyone else's business. Having someone interject their opinions on your eating, especially someone you just met, is a yellow flag to controlling behavior.

We often think of the mother or boyfriend who asks you not to eat too much, which is a red flag. But there are plenty of very subtle and inoffensive ways to exert control over eating:

• Someone being upset that you ate "without them" when there was no set plans to do so.

• Someone cooking for you and expecting gratitude, but choosing a food they know you don't like.

• Asking you to change dish ware after you've already chosen some and sat down to eat.

  • "Can you use a paper plate and rinse that plate off so we don't have to do dishes?"

  • "Don't eat that with a fork, it's much better with a spoon."

• Asking or pressuring you to change how you're eating. For example, some folks like to use a paper towel to remove excess grease from food. A comment like, "Don't do that, that's the best part!" would be a yellow flag.

"Coercive control" is a set of behaviors by an abuser to make a victim dependent on them. This is done by isolating them from support, depriving them of independence, and regulating their everyday behavior. This is a form of domestic abuse, and it is the form most correlated with violence and lethality. One of the top signs of coercive control is controlling all aspects of your health and your body, including eating. If someone's starting to show yellow flags with eating, you can begin to watch for other flags of coercive control.

What the yellow flag could teach us

The struggle with yellow flags is that we don't want to jump to conclusions about people who are different than us. Imagine a life full of people just like you - how boring! Dana can appreciate Tom for helping her try something new that she ended up liking. She can re-evaluate her own approach to adventurous experiences, and decide she'd like to try more things.

How Dana can respond to the yellow flag

Dana is excited about Tom, and wants to continue to date him. She knows she can't make any conclusions from one yellow flag, but that she wants to protect herself as she dates. She can weave opportunities for Tom to show more yellow flags into these dates while staying true to her kind personality and her interest in Tom.

For example, Dana is a very generous person. She should covertly pay for something on their next date. If they get coffee, she could pay for the both of them. Or, if they go to a restaurant, she could do the trick where you "go to the bathroom" but really flag down a waiter and give them your credit card so the other person has no opportunity to pay. Financial abuse is another very common trait of coercive control, and by taking control of paying, Dana presents an opportunity to Tom to show another flag, if he chooses to do so. Since this is their second date, the only response Dana should look for from Tom is gratitude for her generosity, especially since this is a core trait of Dana that a future partner should appreciate.

Responses from Tom that would turn the yellow flag into an orange flag:

• Making an unusual effort to reverse the action Dana did. For example, demanding that the restaurant remove the charge from Dana's card, and use his own.

• Saying "thank you" in the moment, but then being slightly cold for the rest of the evening.

• Making a negging comment to hide disapproval. For example, "You should have let me get it, I know how expensive all those pilates classes are." This could sound lighthearted but the underlying thorn is an insinuation that Dana can't manage her own finances.