Condescending Communication - A Yellow Flag For Contempt
- Jamie Michelle
- Jun 11
- 7 min read
"I don't know what is going on!"
If you caught Season 7 Episode 7 of Love Island USA, you saw Amaya and Ace have tense conversations. Ace had just picked her in the last re-coupling, and the new relationship seemed promising at first. What happened? What went so wrong?
While there were a few different angles of disagreement, most of the contention between Amaya and Ace centered around "babe"-gate. Amaya uses the word "babe" habitually and compulsively to refer to friends, other cast mates, and to Ace - her new partner on the show. This makes Ace uncomfortable, and he describes it as "too much." In repeated conversations about it, Ace left Amaya feeling confused, hurt, and angry.
Below, we'll examine what toxic communication patterns Ace used in his conversations with Amaya, how to identify them, and how to respond.
Toxic Communication Patterns 101
Contempt vs. Condescension
People approach conversations with one of two opposing goals: to connect, or to win. These two goals are inherently exclusive: a genuine connection means no winners, and a winner means no genuine connection. Contempt and condescension are both strategies used by people approaching a conversation intending to control and ultimately to win it.
Contempt is the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. It's such an extreme behavioral position that it's considered one of Dr. Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - research-proven indicators in a marriage that predict divorce. Contempt runs like a current through many toxic traits and communication styles: gaslighting, narcissism, psychopathy, coercive control, manipulation, misogyny, racism, and religious abuse.
Think of the classic line from domestic abusers: "No one else will ever love you." This is an impressive bundling of scorn, devaluation, and manipulation in seven words. This phrase is rife with contempt.
Condescension is to show feelings of superiority in a patronizing way. It's a sticky sweet and inauthentic way of communicating that draws its power from being subtle enough to leave room for doubt. While contempt is cruel and obvious, condescension quietly prickles people until they begin to escalate, giving the condescender an easy way to make them look like the villain by saying, "stop yelling," or "stop talking over me," or "calm down."
Think of Selena Gomez's song where she recounts how someone else told her, "Oh honey, you deserve it, I know you're gonna find somebody perfect." On it's face, it's a nice thing to say. But when coming from the woman who stole your man, it's infuriating.
Or another personal favorite of mine: Anna Kendrick telling Blake Lively, "Oh muffin! It's so hard being you!"
Condescension is what we will move forward focusing on, because it is the yellow warning flag for contempt. Maybe the contempt is new, and they did respect you at one point, but it's fading. Maybe they never respected you, and they are trying to conceal contempt. Either way, when you've lost someone's respect, condescension is usually the next-to-last stop on the train bound for contempt, and the death knoll for any further connection.
How Ace Used Condescending Communication With Amaya
Condescending communication will have a tension between what is said and what is meant. In my examples above, the literal words are sweet, but the delivery and context is what makes it offensive. Ace uses condescension this way, but also flip-flops it. Sometimes his literal words are quite harsh, but he delivers them relaxed, with a smile, and in a tone that's so low and smooth, it feels like he might be leading a meditation. This is the same flavor of condescension as the viral videos of people "gentle parenting boomers."
"I respect you for telling me how you feel. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, it wasn't my intent."
These are nice words on paper, but he delivered them with the coldness of a fish, and then stood up to leave. He acknowledged a rift, but made no effort to repair it, which sends the message that he's not very sorry at all.
"What nickname do you call your partner in a relationship?"
This is a question, signaling curiosity and a desire to connect. But later in the conversation it's revealed he intended this question to be a trap to collect evidence in order to "win" the conversation. This is extremely condescending.
"I asked you what you call your partner, and you said babe, you said babe."
This one's brilliant. Amaya told Ace that she doesn't want to keep talking about boundaries that aren't even being crossed. This is a conversational move towards repair. Ace responds by re-centering the conversation on conflict. He also repeats the word "babe," the offensive word he doesn't want Amaya to say, two or three times. Guess what slips out of Amaya's mouth next, when she's been primed like that, and she's also made it clear its a very habitual word? Yep, she calls him "babe."
Although he's not saying the exact words, Amaya can feel how he's insulting and cornering her. When she inevitably lashes out in anger to these between-the-line insults, raising her voice and moving her body, it allows Ace to checkmate the conversation further.
"You're very quick to respond, you know that?"
"I feel like you're being very passive aggressive right now."
"I can't hear you when you talk over me."
He's herded her into saying certain things, lured her into behaving angrily, and then used her anger to avoid all engagement with the actual conflict. This is condescending and bad faith communication.
Recognize Condescension in Facial Expressions
Because the nature of condescension serves to be confusing, a helpful signal is to look at the body language and facial expressions. Raised eyebrows. Wrinkled forehead. Head tilted. Gaze coming from a corner of the eye. A smile that doesn't feel warm, in fact, it's a cold smirk. Chin and neck forward.
Here, Ace is showing these facial cues, but he's doing it in a subtle way. Let's look at what condescension looks like at level 100 with Nic Cage.
Do you see the similarities? Notice how this face makes you feel. This is a face that screams, "I think you're an idiot."
Now you'll notice it everywhere. Here's Johnny Depp making this face after being asked by opposing council if he poured himself a mega pint of wine.
If you're feeling very confused, and you're looking at a face like this, you might be in a manipulative and unhealthy condescending conversation.
How to Respond to Condescending Communication
You've learned to recognize condescension as it's happening. Now what?
There's two paths you can go down when deciding how to respond. You need to quickly decide if you'd like to connect or to protect.
At work, maybe you need to protect yourself by letting them know that this type of communication is not acceptable. In a professional setting, you have to let them know that respect for you is not negotiable. But, with family or old friends, you might decide to see past the condescending rage-baiting barbs, and pursue a connection to repair the conversation.
To connect: ask "how"
Match their tone, energy level, and engagement, in a positive way.
Only acknowledge the positive side of the condescension.
In private, point out the contradiction of the condescension in a nonjudgemental and relaxed way. Stick to the facts with no interpretation. "Hey Anna, I actually heard a shift in your tone when you called me muffin in that interview."
Don't apologize, hypothesize, or center yourself, for example: "I'm sorry if I did something to upset you?"
Instead, check in with them by asking a disarming "how" question. This must be delivered authentically. "How are you doing with everything right now?"
Hopefully the conversation can move into a disarmed place, and you can connect with them.
To protect: ask "why"
This is definitely what I'd recommend for Amaya. She barely knows Ace, and the context of this being on a TV show means she can't tolerate any disrespect.
Stay calm. Condescending communication is intended to manipulate the recipient into lashing out first. Don't interrupt, don't raise your voice.
Silence is your friend. The more awkward, the better. Let their own words hang in the air.
Don't connect their dots for them.
When Ace says, "Even 'babe' is like, a lot for me too." Amaya connected the dots by saying, "So you want me to stop calling you babe?"
Condescending conversation is ultimately about control. Ace is herding her like a sheep dog to say certain things, and because she said it, not him, he has deniability. Make them say what they mean, and never do it for them.
Instead, calmly point out the contradiction in their communication, and calmly ask them a "why" question about it.
"Why did you ask me what nickname I call my partner in a relationship?"
"Why use such a cold tone for an apology?"
"Why did you roll your eyes when you said that?"
"Why use a baby voice when you called me muffin?"
[I'm sure you don't know this, but...] "Why wouldn't I know that?"
[A lady like you shouldn't wear that.] "Why shouldn't I wear that?"
[Ignoring your comment or idea.] "Why aren't we considering what I said?"
Don't concede or apologize. Notice where the condescender is pushing you, and firmly stay put by repeating what they said as a question. Tone is important here - this should sound like a genuine question, and it is. They've said something egregious, and you're just repeating it back to make sure you got it right.
"'Babe' is a lot for you?"
"No one will love me?"
"It's hard being me?"
Condescension can only work when it's between the lines. By dragging it out into the spotlight, you disarm it. This hopefully invites someone to pick a healthier communication strategy, or to disengage entirely.
Best of luck to Ace and Amaya on the island! Here's to hoping they can move on to healthier conversations with other people.
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